I don't know even where to begin...
I am so emotionally drained I have little emotion left other than self pity...
This New Year is almost here...only 2 hrs. and 45 min. to go. I hope the new year brings us more blessings than the heart aches this year has thrust upon us! At this moment I do not really hold out that much optimism for the New Year...though there are some things that I do wish would happen!
We are stuck in a seemingly never ending void of light in our lives. Each day brings us closer and closer to the edge of a disaster and threatens to break us. And I'm not sure if we are broken that we will be able to recover!
All I want to do is cry! Cry because I see no relief in sight, only heartache growing stronger and stronger every day that we endure these trials!
My mind is lost in a sea of questions. So many questions without any answers, is almost unbearable.
We don't know where to turn, we don't know who to talk to! I feel my self spiraling down and down into the depths of despair. My patience is shot! My temper is flaring! I don't like myself very much right now because I don't have any patience and become agitated very easily and then my temper flares!!! I don't know what to do with the many, many situations that we are constantly being bombarded with! There go the tears again...
What do we do? What can we do? We've told so many people what we are going through, even our Church...We've cried to God for help and nothing has happened!!! What more can we do? Waiting is only making things worse for us! We have no security to fall back on! Why, why, why are these things be allowed to happen? We can't help ourselves, let alone anyone else!!!
What can we do when there is no helping hand in sight? And no one who actually seems to give a dam, other than to tell you that everything will be alright.....and then you feel their gaze slowing shift away as if they are uncomfortable about even being around this kind of situation let alone try to help out?!
I'm so lost...
Monday, December 31, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
What's Going On
As the millions of people are out stocking their carts this after Christmas morning I am at home, just woken up about 55 minutes ago. Usually this is one of my favorite days of the year. Waking at 4 am to make it in front of Walmart a quarter to 5. But alas, this year is different and next year will be too! My present supply is pretty much depleted and until our Pitkin house sells we are on a very tight leash for fundage, and I mean very tight, choking leash!!! I never realized just how hard things were going to get because we decided to go along with something that we believed was a divine revelation! I'm not sure what we are suppose to be learning from these trials that we are being allowed to go through. But I have decided that no matter what I am going to trust that God will take care of us! No we are not starving and yes we have a roof over our heads, our bodies are warm. But our hearts are breaking from all the constant bombardments that we are being put through. I just want to be able to give. I want to be able to help other people. But because of our current situation we are almost the ones in need of help! And if we don't stick to the sufficating budget that Jacob says we need to for the next, who knows how long we will probably go bankrupt.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Bringing U Up2Date
Hello...
~I know I haven't been very good at keeping my blog going. Things have been rather hectic here in the last month and until just the last couple days I've been too depressed to really even right about anything. I'm starting to get some of my motivation back though, so I thought I'd submit an entry, even though I don't really have a whole lot of anything exciting to write about. I will update my journal from the 8th till now and I think I'll work backwards and forwards and all over the place, so I hope y'all don't get too confused...
Let's see...Today I have decided that in between catching up on some shows I've recorded recently I am going to try and get the house cleaned up. I have already cleaned most of the kitchen. The downstairs bathroom. The entry way. And dusted the front room. Oh, and let's not forget I started a load of laundry. (Darks are about all we seem to do around here w/ maybe one load of whites and lots of bleach every two weeks.) I still need to vacuum the front room and family room, sweep the kitchen floor, and wash a few windows. I also refilled the cleaning solution bottles and have de-cluttered and organized the lots-of-useful-but-not-
always-needed-things drawer (no it's not the junk drawer, it has band aids, lighters, hair clips, static guard, tape, scissors, etc. you know...lots of useful stuff but not always needed things).
Yesterday I re-listed a bunch of stuff on Craigslist. I started using html about two months ago to make my ads stand out more and hopefully catch more attention. They were more organized and easy to read, but apparently that wasn't a good thing because after re-listing one of my items it immediately got flagged and deleted. After talking with one of the help desk people I found out that because of the html my ads looked too much like a business and businesses are not allowed on Craiglist. People want short and simple. So I went back in after taking some new, clearer pictures and deleted all the html. They are short and non-descriptive and very boring, but I've had more hits since yesterday than I've had in weeks w/ my html. Not sure why because w/ the html I had detailed descriptions and everything was a lot easier to read. It's rather frustrating, but now I can crank out more posts faster, so I guess that's a plus. Now if people will only follow through with their inquiries! ... Well I guess I spoke too soon. I have two people coming by today to purchase items. I am excited! I actually feel like I'm contributing a bit more when I sell stuff. Especially since we don't really have much money right now.
I can hardly believe that tomorrow is Christmas! Can you? Where did the year go? All of a sudden the days just passed and here we are...Christmas Eve. It's crazy. One day you feel like the year will last forever and then you blink and the year is gone. Wow!
On the 10th I went to the doctor because I was having chest pains. Actually I had been having pains for about two weeks before that, but I talked with Jacob and we agreed I should probably go in and get checked out. The doctor did a EKG and it was normal. They ran some blood test and they were normal. She sent me home with a heart monitor that I was suppose to wear 24/7, but since I'm such a light sleeper I took it off at night. I discovered after calling to activate the monitor that I had to have a land line to call the recording in. We don't have one, so I enlisted the help of my sister and my friend Athena (they have land lines). So because I had to go over to their houses to call the recordings in I tried to only have to call them in twice a day even though I was having check pain quite regularly and mostly non-stop. Anyway, I made it to Friday (14th) in the evening. I called Athena several times around 7:15 and wasn't able to get a hold of her so I called Sara to see if it was okay for me to go over there and call the monitor in for the evening. She said yes, so I got in the van and headed over there. I got down to Peoria and Parker (about 5 blocks from my house) and was in the right hand left turn lane stopped. When the light turned green I started around the corner and my back end kept going around to the right. I tapped my brakes and tried to correct, but only made it worse. I finally came to a stop horizontal in the middle of the 3 lane road. I was about to correct myself when I turned and looked out my window and BAM!!! I was hit on my drivers side door. I called 911, but because there were so many accidents going on the city was on Accident Alert. So since there were no injuries we were to just file the claim on-line and call our insurance companies. A security officer for one of the nearby shopping centers stopped traffic for us so we could move out of the way. We exchanged info and I headed home. As I was driving home though I realized that my front wheel didn't seem to be working correctly. And I already knew that my drivers door was toast. The bottom was caved in and top stuck out about 2", unable to close all the way. After filing the claims on-line with both the government and my insurance company that evening I went to bed. The next morning I woke and felt horrible. I think I caught the flu some how. I felt horribly sick to my stomach, weak, and dizzy and my left side had started to hurt. As the day progressed the pain in my left side got worse and by the evening I was calling my Mom to see how bad the pain should be before I went into the emergency room. She said that if my kids were feeling what I was feeling would I take them in? And I said yes, I talked to Jacob (whom was in the middle of a role playing game with his friends). He wanted me to just sit and relax. I went and sat, but I was having more and more trouble breathing. I called to Jacob and he came in I was starting to hyperventilate and he went in to tell the guys he needed to call it a night. My left side started going numb, then my right. Pretty soon I could move either of my arms. And it started heading down my legs and my face also started to go numb. Jacob called 911 and the Paramedics arrived not 10 min later. One of the half dozen people that arrived told me that I was hyperventilating. He started talking me down and getting my breathing back under control. It took awhile and I started to get some feeling back in my arms and legs, but I was still in a lot of pain, so they took me in the ambulance to the ER. There they did some more vitals, took my statement, and some blood work, and x-rays. And low and behold they were all normal. The doctor said that he didn't doubt my pains, but since none of the tests were coming up with anything he wasn't going to diagnose me with having an anxiety attack and give me a anti-anxiety med to take at night before I went to bed to help me sleep and w/ the idea that the med. would carry over to the next day and then he wanted me to follow up with my doctor on Monday.
Monday I got into the doctor. I was suppose to go back the to doctor on Thursday for a cholesterol test, but since I was in on Monday I just fasted before that appointment so I wouldn't have to go back Thursday. Anyway, she said that the med the ER doc gave me wouldn't carry to the next day and gave me another prescription for the anxiety med, plus a pain med for the pains I was still having. She wants me to come back in 4 wks for a follow up unless I don't get better and then she wants me back sooner. I stopped using the heart monitor. They pretty much ruled that out with all their tests. Plus since we only have one vehicle it's pretty much impossible for me to call it in every day. I did have the van last week because Jacob carpooled.
~I know I haven't been very good at keeping my blog going. Things have been rather hectic here in the last month and until just the last couple days I've been too depressed to really even right about anything. I'm starting to get some of my motivation back though, so I thought I'd submit an entry, even though I don't really have a whole lot of anything exciting to write about. I will update my journal from the 8th till now and I think I'll work backwards and forwards and all over the place, so I hope y'all don't get too confused...
Let's see...Today I have decided that in between catching up on some shows I've recorded recently I am going to try and get the house cleaned up. I have already cleaned most of the kitchen. The downstairs bathroom. The entry way. And dusted the front room. Oh, and let's not forget I started a load of laundry. (Darks are about all we seem to do around here w/ maybe one load of whites and lots of bleach every two weeks.) I still need to vacuum the front room and family room, sweep the kitchen floor, and wash a few windows. I also refilled the cleaning solution bottles and have de-cluttered and organized the lots-of-useful-but-not-
always-needed-things drawer (no it's not the junk drawer, it has band aids, lighters, hair clips, static guard, tape, scissors, etc. you know...lots of useful stuff but not always needed things).
Yesterday I re-listed a bunch of stuff on Craigslist. I started using html about two months ago to make my ads stand out more and hopefully catch more attention. They were more organized and easy to read, but apparently that wasn't a good thing because after re-listing one of my items it immediately got flagged and deleted. After talking with one of the help desk people I found out that because of the html my ads looked too much like a business and businesses are not allowed on Craiglist. People want short and simple. So I went back in after taking some new, clearer pictures and deleted all the html. They are short and non-descriptive and very boring, but I've had more hits since yesterday than I've had in weeks w/ my html. Not sure why because w/ the html I had detailed descriptions and everything was a lot easier to read. It's rather frustrating, but now I can crank out more posts faster, so I guess that's a plus. Now if people will only follow through with their inquiries! ... Well I guess I spoke too soon. I have two people coming by today to purchase items. I am excited! I actually feel like I'm contributing a bit more when I sell stuff. Especially since we don't really have much money right now.
I can hardly believe that tomorrow is Christmas! Can you? Where did the year go? All of a sudden the days just passed and here we are...Christmas Eve. It's crazy. One day you feel like the year will last forever and then you blink and the year is gone. Wow!
On the 10th I went to the doctor because I was having chest pains. Actually I had been having pains for about two weeks before that, but I talked with Jacob and we agreed I should probably go in and get checked out. The doctor did a EKG and it was normal. They ran some blood test and they were normal. She sent me home with a heart monitor that I was suppose to wear 24/7, but since I'm such a light sleeper I took it off at night. I discovered after calling to activate the monitor that I had to have a land line to call the recording in. We don't have one, so I enlisted the help of my sister and my friend Athena (they have land lines). So because I had to go over to their houses to call the recordings in I tried to only have to call them in twice a day even though I was having check pain quite regularly and mostly non-stop. Anyway, I made it to Friday (14th) in the evening. I called Athena several times around 7:15 and wasn't able to get a hold of her so I called Sara to see if it was okay for me to go over there and call the monitor in for the evening. She said yes, so I got in the van and headed over there. I got down to Peoria and Parker (about 5 blocks from my house) and was in the right hand left turn lane stopped. When the light turned green I started around the corner and my back end kept going around to the right. I tapped my brakes and tried to correct, but only made it worse. I finally came to a stop horizontal in the middle of the 3 lane road. I was about to correct myself when I turned and looked out my window and BAM!!! I was hit on my drivers side door. I called 911, but because there were so many accidents going on the city was on Accident Alert. So since there were no injuries we were to just file the claim on-line and call our insurance companies. A security officer for one of the nearby shopping centers stopped traffic for us so we could move out of the way. We exchanged info and I headed home. As I was driving home though I realized that my front wheel didn't seem to be working correctly. And I already knew that my drivers door was toast. The bottom was caved in and top stuck out about 2", unable to close all the way. After filing the claims on-line with both the government and my insurance company that evening I went to bed. The next morning I woke and felt horrible. I think I caught the flu some how. I felt horribly sick to my stomach, weak, and dizzy and my left side had started to hurt. As the day progressed the pain in my left side got worse and by the evening I was calling my Mom to see how bad the pain should be before I went into the emergency room. She said that if my kids were feeling what I was feeling would I take them in? And I said yes, I talked to Jacob (whom was in the middle of a role playing game with his friends). He wanted me to just sit and relax. I went and sat, but I was having more and more trouble breathing. I called to Jacob and he came in I was starting to hyperventilate and he went in to tell the guys he needed to call it a night. My left side started going numb, then my right. Pretty soon I could move either of my arms. And it started heading down my legs and my face also started to go numb. Jacob called 911 and the Paramedics arrived not 10 min later. One of the half dozen people that arrived told me that I was hyperventilating. He started talking me down and getting my breathing back under control. It took awhile and I started to get some feeling back in my arms and legs, but I was still in a lot of pain, so they took me in the ambulance to the ER. There they did some more vitals, took my statement, and some blood work, and x-rays. And low and behold they were all normal. The doctor said that he didn't doubt my pains, but since none of the tests were coming up with anything he wasn't going to diagnose me with having an anxiety attack and give me a anti-anxiety med to take at night before I went to bed to help me sleep and w/ the idea that the med. would carry over to the next day and then he wanted me to follow up with my doctor on Monday.
Monday I got into the doctor. I was suppose to go back the to doctor on Thursday for a cholesterol test, but since I was in on Monday I just fasted before that appointment so I wouldn't have to go back Thursday. Anyway, she said that the med the ER doc gave me wouldn't carry to the next day and gave me another prescription for the anxiety med, plus a pain med for the pains I was still having. She wants me to come back in 4 wks for a follow up unless I don't get better and then she wants me back sooner. I stopped using the heart monitor. They pretty much ruled that out with all their tests. Plus since we only have one vehicle it's pretty much impossible for me to call it in every day. I did have the van last week because Jacob carpooled.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Let it Snow...Not!!!
Lol :O)
Okay, I know we need the snow, but I don't like it. It's always so cold and wet! I don't like to be too cold and I definitely don't like to be cold and wet! Fortunately since I can't really go anywhere anymore I don't have to deal with the snow all that much. Though when the snow stops falling I'm going to have to go out and shovel the sidewalks because apparently there is some ordinance about citizens having to remove the snow from their sidewalks within 24 hrs of when the snow stops falling. Crazy! But it looks like tomorrow is going to be too cold for the weather to remove it for me like the last time it snowed, so I'll be out taking care of business first thing in the morning. Probably before Church starts because tomorrow is a busy day...
Speaking of which...Tomorrow is Tayla's 14th Birthday. For those of you who don't know Tayla, she is Sara and Tim's ward. Before they moved here her mother signed over papers for them to take care of her. And she moved here with them. Anyway, I'm going to be doing a bit of grocery shopping to get some items to make a vegetarian dinner for her Birthday. Plus I was thinking of doing a little something special for the dessert. Not exactly sure what yet, but I have an idea. So Jake and the kids and I will probably be heading to the Commissary right after Church to get the items for dinner.
Not much else going on today besides the snow. It's been snowing most of the day, though it's a really fine powder and not much has accumulated. I think there might be 3 inches outside. But that's not really all the much for snowing all day. I think it just stopped about an hour ago. Nobody has been going outside either because it is so cold. I did go and get the mail in my flip-flops today. I know, I'm crazy, but I didn't want to run up to my room and put on sock and shoes, when it was only a little ways out to the mailbox. Too bad there wasn't anything good in there! Just bills.
Sara and Family came over for dinner this evening. I made two pizzas; a cheese pizza and a bacon pizza. I've found these really great bacon bits that work really great, really as any sort of garnish and extra flavoring for food. I've used them on pizza, in scrambled eggs, and in green beans. I even gave some to David to just eat (that was only one time). He liked that a lot! We watched a couple shows together too! They are coming over tomorrow for Tayla's Birthday meal. I don't think we discussed what time. I'll have to call about that tomorrow!
Well, I'm still not sleepy, but I should probably head to bed anyway. Jacob and the kids went to bed about half an hour to an hour ago. I'm just not tired, so I thought I'd write a little something in my journal. Good night everyone! :O)
Okay, I know we need the snow, but I don't like it. It's always so cold and wet! I don't like to be too cold and I definitely don't like to be cold and wet! Fortunately since I can't really go anywhere anymore I don't have to deal with the snow all that much. Though when the snow stops falling I'm going to have to go out and shovel the sidewalks because apparently there is some ordinance about citizens having to remove the snow from their sidewalks within 24 hrs of when the snow stops falling. Crazy! But it looks like tomorrow is going to be too cold for the weather to remove it for me like the last time it snowed, so I'll be out taking care of business first thing in the morning. Probably before Church starts because tomorrow is a busy day...
Speaking of which...Tomorrow is Tayla's 14th Birthday. For those of you who don't know Tayla, she is Sara and Tim's ward. Before they moved here her mother signed over papers for them to take care of her. And she moved here with them. Anyway, I'm going to be doing a bit of grocery shopping to get some items to make a vegetarian dinner for her Birthday. Plus I was thinking of doing a little something special for the dessert. Not exactly sure what yet, but I have an idea. So Jake and the kids and I will probably be heading to the Commissary right after Church to get the items for dinner.
Not much else going on today besides the snow. It's been snowing most of the day, though it's a really fine powder and not much has accumulated. I think there might be 3 inches outside. But that's not really all the much for snowing all day. I think it just stopped about an hour ago. Nobody has been going outside either because it is so cold. I did go and get the mail in my flip-flops today. I know, I'm crazy, but I didn't want to run up to my room and put on sock and shoes, when it was only a little ways out to the mailbox. Too bad there wasn't anything good in there! Just bills.
Sara and Family came over for dinner this evening. I made two pizzas; a cheese pizza and a bacon pizza. I've found these really great bacon bits that work really great, really as any sort of garnish and extra flavoring for food. I've used them on pizza, in scrambled eggs, and in green beans. I even gave some to David to just eat (that was only one time). He liked that a lot! We watched a couple shows together too! They are coming over tomorrow for Tayla's Birthday meal. I don't think we discussed what time. I'll have to call about that tomorrow!
Well, I'm still not sleepy, but I should probably head to bed anyway. Jacob and the kids went to bed about half an hour to an hour ago. I'm just not tired, so I thought I'd write a little something in my journal. Good night everyone! :O)
Gift Cards are Grrreeeaattt!!!
~ I'm not sure why all the tabloids keep posting..."Gift Cards are Lame Gifts" or saying "Gift Cards a No, No for the Holidays". I recently read this article on MSN.com:
"Gift Cards Are Not Gifts" http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/SavingandDebt/FindDealsOnline/GiftCardsAreNotGifts.aspx?GT1=10719
I do agree with most of what the lady has to say, actually researching what your friends and family are interested in is a wonderful idea. But what if you really have no idea what a person likes, or what if you do know a persons tastes, but they are extremely hard to please even if you get something you think they would like...Why not give them a gift card to their favorite restaurant or to a Movie Theater they enjoy going to? It doesn't just have to be a Target or Walmart card, but even if it is what's wrong with that? There are hundreds and hundreds of items at those stores that you may not have even thought that your recipient might like or have been eyeing, but not bought just yet because they didn't have the extra cash to splurge on. Why can't you just include a card or note with your gift card that say's " I know you like to shop at ______(fill in the blank), and I thought you might use this card to splurge on yourself for a little something extra." OR "I know this is your favorite restaurant, Enjoy!" I mean what's wrong with that? Isn't it better to give your friend or family a little extra Cash that they can spend on something themselves, than to get them some cheap gift or trinket that will break within the week or they'll never use? I don't know how many times we've had to throw away cheap gifts the day it's been received or shortly after. That's even more heartbreaking to a child than them going out and picking out their own gift with the money they received from a caring relative or friend. It's actually quite fun to watch their little faces light up when they get to pick out something special all on their own. I'm not saying don't give gifts, I'm just saying don't give gifts if you don't know what someone likes. And don't give someone a gift that you wouldn't want to receive yourself!!!
That is my thought on Gift Cards and Gift Giving! Unfortunately we've run into a snag with financing this year and I was not able to get in the bulk of my Holiday Shopping this year. This will probably continue on through most of next year until we can sell the Pitkin House and get some bills paid off! I apologize to all my friends and family that I won't be able to give to until this financial set back is taken care of!!!
P.S. This Posting was not written for any one person inparticular, it is just a compiling of thoughts and observations that I've made over the years through my Family and some of my Friends! It is not meant to hurt anyone's feelings! I apologize if I offended anyone because that was not my intention. This was only written to let people know some of my views on the whole Gift and Gift Card giving idea...
"Gift Cards Are Not Gifts" http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/SavingandDebt/FindDealsOnline/GiftCardsAreNotGifts.aspx?GT1=10719
I do agree with most of what the lady has to say, actually researching what your friends and family are interested in is a wonderful idea. But what if you really have no idea what a person likes, or what if you do know a persons tastes, but they are extremely hard to please even if you get something you think they would like...Why not give them a gift card to their favorite restaurant or to a Movie Theater they enjoy going to? It doesn't just have to be a Target or Walmart card, but even if it is what's wrong with that? There are hundreds and hundreds of items at those stores that you may not have even thought that your recipient might like or have been eyeing, but not bought just yet because they didn't have the extra cash to splurge on. Why can't you just include a card or note with your gift card that say's " I know you like to shop at ______(fill in the blank), and I thought you might use this card to splurge on yourself for a little something extra." OR "I know this is your favorite restaurant, Enjoy!" I mean what's wrong with that? Isn't it better to give your friend or family a little extra Cash that they can spend on something themselves, than to get them some cheap gift or trinket that will break within the week or they'll never use? I don't know how many times we've had to throw away cheap gifts the day it's been received or shortly after. That's even more heartbreaking to a child than them going out and picking out their own gift with the money they received from a caring relative or friend. It's actually quite fun to watch their little faces light up when they get to pick out something special all on their own. I'm not saying don't give gifts, I'm just saying don't give gifts if you don't know what someone likes. And don't give someone a gift that you wouldn't want to receive yourself!!!
That is my thought on Gift Cards and Gift Giving! Unfortunately we've run into a snag with financing this year and I was not able to get in the bulk of my Holiday Shopping this year. This will probably continue on through most of next year until we can sell the Pitkin House and get some bills paid off! I apologize to all my friends and family that I won't be able to give to until this financial set back is taken care of!!!
P.S. This Posting was not written for any one person inparticular, it is just a compiling of thoughts and observations that I've made over the years through my Family and some of my Friends! It is not meant to hurt anyone's feelings! I apologize if I offended anyone because that was not my intention. This was only written to let people know some of my views on the whole Gift and Gift Card giving idea...
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