Day 8… The Beginning of Week Two
2:25 am, I can’t sleep after being up for the last 2 hours with Maggie! She was up at 12:30 and even though I let her come and sleep with me in my bed, because I didn’t feel like fighting with her, she wasn’t satisfied… By 2 I decided that I’d had enough and went down in the basement and hauled all of the parts to Maggie’s crib up to her room. By 2:20 I had it put together; crib, bedding, everything but the crib skirt (didn’t want to hassle with it). Maggie was so excited as I lifted her and put her back in her bed (crib), she yelled, “YAY!” and started jumping around all excited! I left her in the crib then moved twin mattress set, that I had moved her to a few days ago, part way down the stairs, then pushed the crib where the mattress used to be. It’s far away from the light switch now so she can’t reach over to turn the lights on and off all night when she doesn’t want to sleep! I don’t think that she really even cared though (about the lights), she seemed so happy to be back in her crib again, maybe she and I will actually be able to sleep all the way through the night for once in over a week and a half!!!
(I think I’ve only had about 12 hours of sleep in the last 96 hrs.)
…I can’t sleep! I’m not tired in the least, too many thoughts rattling through my head and I want to get them down before I forget. Hopefully this purge will help me get back to sleep (3:04 am).
Now I’m not sure what to write about… I really had a ton of thoughts running through my head as I was sitting down to write, but now they’ve all disappeared.
I’m turning off the lights. It’s 3:53 am.
…3 1/2 hours, that’s a new record low! I finally dozed some time after 4, though it wasn’t peaceful and I tossed and turned until just after 5 am (so I guess I’m not sure if it was even 3 1/2 hours???). I was tired of fighting something that obviously wasn’t going to happen, so I decided to just get up; refreshed myself with a shower and now I’m dressed.
My only plan for the day is to go to the ARC and check out a couple things I saw there when I went a couple days ago with the younger two. Not sure if I’ll get anything, but this is one of the things that I look forward to doing every weekend, so even though I had previously decided that I wasn’t going to go, I changed my mind!
2 hrs till the store opens. I’m not sure what I want to do… Sounds like one of the boys is up; it’s way too early, but I guess that’s what I get for putting them all to bed at 8 pm instead of letting them stay up late like I usually do on Friday nights; though I usually only take Anna to the ARC and Jacob’s stays at home with the younger 3, so it’s a bit different today.
Some thoughts...
…I did remember at least one thing that I wanted to write down, though this won’t be posted for awhile because I don’t want it to happen just because I say it’s what I wish would happen. That’s a huge pet peeve of mine; having to tell someone that I would like something to be done or something that I’d like to have (a certain gift), instead of them figuring it on their own; actions don’t mean as much and gifts aren’t quite as special when you have to tell or ask someone to do something or to get you specifically what you want!!!
So back on subject…What I was really hoping would happen was that Jacob would just hop on a plane and fly back into my arms to spend the weekend with me! Just his presence would be enough to recharge my spirits and I could get out all my emotional heartache so that my “pent-up emotional tank” would have a chance to empty instead of riding on full to overflowing every day.
I imagined him arriving late last night or maybe first thing this morning, and as I took a shower this morning I heard more noise out in the house than usual (for this early) so I thought my wish might be coming true, but unfortunately it was just some of the kids taking their morning constitutional.
I really need a recharge; unfortunately my fuel is hundreds of miles away and will be inaccessible for another 2 weeks! We’ll see if I can make it that long because my tank is running more than empty!!! :O(
On a different note… I’ve decided that I am no longer going to attend MOPS. I have attended two semesters, and until last week I didn’t feel like anyone cared. I had thought about joining MOPS for years. I’d drive by a sign advertising it at a Church here or there around town and think, I should join that, meet some Moms, maybe make some friends and give myself a little break from the kids. So when I joined last fall I was really disappointed with what MOPS ended up to be, people wise, not activity wise. I did really enjoy the speakers and crafts. My favorite two things though out of these two semesters would have to be the Toy/Book/Movie Exchange in January and the MOPS Garage Sale last month (April)! I live for those kinds of activities; they really bring me joy!!!
Anyway, as far as attending goes, I would go each week, we’d all say our polite hellos, eat some food, listen to the speaker and go our separate ways. Occasionally there would be some polite conversation, but nobody would really strike up a conversation to REALLY get to know you or open up for you to get to know them!
I was really bummed when I even volunteered to run and organize an event, but they said their calendar was too full. That really made me upset because it would have only taken 15 to 20 minutes of the schedule; the rest would have been done before and after, so it wouldn’t have interfered with their already scheduled events.
Last week was the Mentor Mom (MM’s) Panel, where us moms were allowed to submit questions for the MM’s on anything under the sun that we had a question about. I submitted 4 questions… and all of them were answered, but the last one really had everyone going. I asked: “What do you do when your husband is leaving for 2+ months and you’re stuck at home with 4 kids and you really rely on him for support and a break everyday, but don’t have any family or friends to rely on?”
The first response was “G.I.R.L.F.R.I.E.N.D.S!” …I was told to really put out the S.O.S flag when I needed help and cling to my girlfriends for support.
The next MM, asked that the question be repeated and realized that the question said that there were ‘no friends’ for support! Then she proceeded to really push the S.O.S thing and that that person (being me) needs to reach out for help to the Moms of MOPS, which is what MOPS was created for! There were similar responses from the other MM’s, but during this, one Mom, from one of the other tables, raised her hand and she was like, “I’m really sad that someone would write that and that they would feel like that they had to ask something like that! MOPS is supposed to be a place where Moms can go for friendship and support and to know that they are not alone. This person really needs to reach out to the MOPS network because that is what it was designed for!” (Jenny paraphrase, but that’s what I heard.) However, I couldn’t have been more surprised! None of these Moms had every reached out to me, I only talked to the Moms at my table and even then I felt like there was no real connection, like I’m in a world of my own. Any time I talk about my life or family I’m always given these looks of shock (subtle shock mind you) or feigned concern, but their actual expressions seem to be saying, “Oh too bad for you, but I don’t want to have anything to do with that!” OR “That’s nice, but I wasn’t actually listening to what you had to say!” So I try not to talk too much. But sometimes I’m just dying to talk, then I realize after I’ve said what’s on my mind, that that’s exactly why I try and keep my mouth shut!
Anyway, back to the question… During the answering I started to get a bit teary eyed. One of the ladies at my table turned to look at me, it wasn’t long before I couldn’t contain the tears, and when another lady at my table came over and gave me a box of tissues, that’s when the tears really started to flow, but I was able to remain silent. When our MOPS director finished praying all the ladies at my table turned to me and started to ask me questions and offer their support. “Just let me know what you need!” most all of them offered (some didn’t say a word though, just gave me those looks and still haven’t offered anything or e-mailed or called). I broke soundly tears then and one of the ladies hugged me as I sobbed into my hands. I left feeling embarrassed, but that people actually cared for once.
When I got home I had an e-mail from one of the Moms from my table. She stated that she realized I may have been overwhelmed by all of the offers of help, and she wanted to offer something specific and she wasn’t going to take “no” for an answer (unless I had a REALLY, REALLY good excuse). She said that she would come over every Thursday while Jacob is gone and babysit the kids for me from 3:30 till 6:30 and I could do whatever I wanted to do. I could stay in and chat with her, do crafts, or even leave; basically during that time she is giving me free reign to do whatever I need in order to get a break. I was and am very impressed by her boldness! I’m not the kind of person to ask for help, almost no matter what, I’d rather do things on my own; so her offering me something specific like that (with the option of an alternative day/time) was awesome! It made me feel like she cares because her assistance is just being offered to me and I didn’t have to ask for her help, and because I didn’t have to ask for help, it didn’t make me feel embarrassed! Actually it was more like I was being given a gift instead of feeling like I was being a burden!
Well, I have been contacted via, e-mails and phone calls by 3 other ladies from my MOPS table and the MOPS director. They’ve all offered their assistance, but I don’t really have anything that I need or want them to do other than to give me a break from my kids and asking for that seems too selfish so I haven’t contacted anyone back. Though I do have Michelle (our table leader) scheduled to babysit the younger two next Thursday (May 5th) while I go to a Dental Appointment.
Anyway, I guess my point is, that even though these people keep saying they care or want to help me, I still don’t really feel like they care because I’m going to have to specifically ask them for help (by taking my kids off my hands for awhile) and that’s just too embarrassing! I realize that saying they don’t care isn’t true, but feelings can be really strong deterrents and I’m going to give into my feelings right now…
…Another reason I’m no longer going to attend MOPS is that there is only one MOPS session left for this semester. It’s supposed to be catered and I was really looking forward to the food from different vendors like the one I missed last semester, and everyone raved about, but I missed because my kids were sick and I couldn’t go! However when I inquired about who was providing the meal I found out that the guy that regularly cooks the meals for the Church’s Wednesday Night Bible Studies is doing the catering. AND unfortunately every time we ate anything that he made, on those nights before our Bible Study, I got the worst heartburn imaginable! It was really terrible!!! So, since I was already debating not going because I thought there were two MOPS meetings left in May and I thought the 2nd one in May was the catered one and this one was just going to be a regular meeting (which doesn’t matter anyway since I don’t want to eat the food) and I don’t want to have to face everyone’s questions and feigned concerned expressions I’m going to skip it anyway. I just can’t deal with any of it, especially when my emotions could deteriorate at any moment and it might be an uncontrollable outpour that I don’t want to have to be embarrassed about!!!
Today's events… It's getting better...
…So today, I decided to take the kids to the movies. I really wanted to go see “Rango” again, and figured, even if I had to miss some of the movie because Maggie was freaking out, it wouldn’t be that big a deal because I’d already seen it. The kids really enjoyed it! I’m totally going to buy it when it comes out, whenever that is???
For some reason I can’t remember anything else that happened yesterday other than that I listed a few items on Craigslist before I went to bed and had an offer for the bedding set I listed, only a matter of minutes, after it was posted.
I was in bed by 9:30 and think I got about 9 hours sleep last night! Putting Maggie was one of the best things that happened to me all week; it allowed me to start recharging my batteries with some much-needed sleep!!! :O)
If I remember anything else later I’ll write it then, but for now I’ll move on to Sunday…
P.S…Maggie has discovered the ‘shut off’ button on my computer (actually she’s known for awhile now), but whenever she gets around my temporarily unattended computer, after pushing a bunch of other buttons, she inevitably goes for that one! ARG
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